Joki un Anekdotes I
14. Septembris 2008, 18:38
Один американец еще в ...-е годы прошлого века по поводу голливудских фильмов говорил примерно следующее. "Я могу поверить, что молодая красивая девушка отправилась на Амазонку и попала в плен к людоедам. Могу поверить, что она от них убежала и застряла в болоте. Могу поверить и в то, что ее жених отправился ее разыскивать и в последний момент подлетел на вертолете и вырвал невесту из пасти разъяренного крокодила. Но вот поверить в то, что тут же оказался оператор и заснял все это на камеру - нет уж, дудки!"
Joki un Anekdotes I
14. Septembris 2008, 20:16
Я правду расскажу такую,что хуже всякой лжи - Шекспир
Joki un Anekdotes I
14. Septembris 2008, 20:22
Не стреляйте в баяниста. Вы ещё не слышали нашего трубача.
Joki un Anekdotes I
16. Septembris 2008, 14:29
Runā, ka pēdējā datortehnikas izstādē COMDEX,
Bils Geits paziņojis, ka ja General Motors attīstītos kā Microsoft, tad
mēs jau sen brauktu ar auto, kas maksātu 25$ un patērētu 0,005 l/100km.
Nākošajā dienā GM pārstāvis atbildēja, ka ja GM sekotu Microsoft tendencēm,
tad:
1.Absolūti bez iemesla apmēram katrs auto nokļūtu avārijā apm. 2 reizes
dienā.
2.Katru reizi, kad mainās ceļa apzīmējumi,nāktos pirkt jaunu auto.
3.Bieži vien auto apstātos ceļa vidū. Lai brauktu tālāk ,nāktos
aizstumt auto līdz apmalei,aizvērt visus LOGUS,noslāpēt motoru,atvērt visus
LOGUS,iedarbināt motoru un tikai tad braukt tālāk.
4.Izpildot strauju manevru auto var noslāpt un vairāk nedarboties. Nāktos
pārinstalēt motoru.
5.Macintosh būtu izveidojis auto,kas izmantotu saules enerģiju,būtu 5
reizes ātrāks par auto no Microsoft,2 reizes vieglāk vadāms,bet varētu
pārvietoties tikai pa 5% no visiem ceļiem.
6.Visus rādītājus panelī varētu nomainīt uz vienu-‘’Jūsu auto veica nelegālu
operāciju un tūlīt noslāps’’.
7.Pirms nostrādās drošības spilveni parādīsies uzraksts:’’Are you sure?’’
8.Dažreiz auto aizslēgsies un Jūs netiksiet iekšā.Nāksies vienlaicīgi
nospiest durvju rokturi,pagriezt atslēgu un nospiest radio
antenu-sistēma atbloķēsies.
9.Katru reizi pērkot jaunu auto nāksies mācīties braukt no jauna,jo katras
mašīnas vadīšana pilnīgi atšķirtos no iepriekšējās.
10.Lai izslēgtu motoru jānospiež START.
11.HELP derētu tikai lai atrastu bagāžniekā noslēptu ‘’aptieciņu’’.
Runā,ka Geits esot apvainojies……….
Bils Geits paziņojis, ka ja General Motors attīstītos kā Microsoft, tad
mēs jau sen brauktu ar auto, kas maksātu 25$ un patērētu 0,005 l/100km.
Nākošajā dienā GM pārstāvis atbildēja, ka ja GM sekotu Microsoft tendencēm,
tad:
1.Absolūti bez iemesla apmēram katrs auto nokļūtu avārijā apm. 2 reizes
dienā.
2.Katru reizi, kad mainās ceļa apzīmējumi,nāktos pirkt jaunu auto.
3.Bieži vien auto apstātos ceļa vidū. Lai brauktu tālāk ,nāktos
aizstumt auto līdz apmalei,aizvērt visus LOGUS,noslāpēt motoru,atvērt visus
LOGUS,iedarbināt motoru un tikai tad braukt tālāk.
4.Izpildot strauju manevru auto var noslāpt un vairāk nedarboties. Nāktos
pārinstalēt motoru.
5.Macintosh būtu izveidojis auto,kas izmantotu saules enerģiju,būtu 5
reizes ātrāks par auto no Microsoft,2 reizes vieglāk vadāms,bet varētu
pārvietoties tikai pa 5% no visiem ceļiem.
6.Visus rādītājus panelī varētu nomainīt uz vienu-‘’Jūsu auto veica nelegālu
operāciju un tūlīt noslāps’’.
7.Pirms nostrādās drošības spilveni parādīsies uzraksts:’’Are you sure?’’
8.Dažreiz auto aizslēgsies un Jūs netiksiet iekšā.Nāksies vienlaicīgi
nospiest durvju rokturi,pagriezt atslēgu un nospiest radio
antenu-sistēma atbloķēsies.
9.Katru reizi pērkot jaunu auto nāksies mācīties braukt no jauna,jo katras
mašīnas vadīšana pilnīgi atšķirtos no iepriekšējās.
10.Lai izslēgtu motoru jānospiež START.
11.HELP derētu tikai lai atrastu bagāžniekā noslēptu ‘’aptieciņu’’.
Runā,ka Geits esot apvainojies……….
Joki un Anekdotes I
16. Septembris 2008, 14:31
Joki un Anekdotes I
16. Septembris 2008, 14:35
Joki un Anekdotes I
24. Septembris 2008, 12:17
VABO gde anekdoti ? :cry:
Joki un Anekdotes I
24. Septembris 2008, 12:20
Ja Tev ir nepieciešami pierādījumi tam, ka cilvēce
izmirs dēļ sava stulbuma - palasi šos uzrakstus, kuri ir citēti no dažādu preču
lietošanas pamācībām:
Uz segas (ražota Taivānā)
NELIETOT KĀ PATVĒRUMU NO VIESUĻVĒTRAS
Uz spoguļa, kurš piestiprināts pie velosipēdista ķiveres (ASV)
ATCERIES, OBJEKTI KURI REDZAMI SPOGULĪ PATIESĪBĀ IR AIZ MUGURAS
Uz piena pudeles vāciņa
PĒC ATVĒRŠANAS NEGRIEST AR DIBENU UZ AUGŠU
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Dažās valstīs uz Koka-Kolas pudelēm
ATVERIET AR OTRU ROKU
Uz fēna, kurš ražots firmā Sears
NELIETOT MIEGĀ
Uz ziepēm
INSTRUKCIJA - LIETOJIET KĀ PARASTAS ZIEPES
Uz deserta Tiramisu iepakojuma, veikalā BILLA
(uzraksts uz iepakojuma dibena)
NEAPGRIEZT AR DIBENU UZ AUGŠU
Uz pudiņa Marks & Spencer
PĒC UZSILDĪŠANAS PRODUKTS IR KARSTS
Uz ķīniešu dekoratīvajām virtenēm
IZMANTOŠANAI TIKAI TELPĀS VAI ĀRPUS TĀM
Uz firmas Saintbury`s ražota, arahisa iepakojuma
UZMANĪBU - PRODUKTS SATUR RIEKSTUS
Uz American Airlines riekstiņu iepakojuma
INSTRUKCIJA - ATVERIET IEPAKOJUMU, APĒDIET RIEKSTUS
Uz Zviedrijā ražota elektriskā motorzāģa
NEMĒĢINIET APTURĒT MOTORZĀĢI AR ROKĀM VAI GENITĀLIJĀM
(interesanti, pamatojoties uz kādu telefona zvanu, firma bija spiesta
iekļaut šādu teikumu lietošanas pamācībā?)
Uz bērnu Supermena kostīma
PAT AR ŠITO KOSTĪMU TU NEVARĒSI LIDOT
Viesnīcā uz peldcepurītes
TIKAI VIENAI GALVAI
Uz firmas Rowenta gludekļa iepakojuma
NEGLUDINIET DRĒBES UZ ĶERMEŅA
Uz bērniem domāta sīrupa pret klepu
PĒC LIETOŠANAS NEVADĪT AUTOMAŠĪNU UN DARBAGALDUS
Uz firmas Nytol miegazāļu iepakojuma
BRĪDINĀJUMS - VARIET SAJUST MIEGAINĪBU!
izmirs dēļ sava stulbuma - palasi šos uzrakstus, kuri ir citēti no dažādu preču
lietošanas pamācībām:
Uz segas (ražota Taivānā)
NELIETOT KĀ PATVĒRUMU NO VIESUĻVĒTRAS
Uz spoguļa, kurš piestiprināts pie velosipēdista ķiveres (ASV)
ATCERIES, OBJEKTI KURI REDZAMI SPOGULĪ PATIESĪBĀ IR AIZ MUGURAS
Uz piena pudeles vāciņa
PĒC ATVĒRŠANAS NEGRIEST AR DIBENU UZ AUGŠU
/> /> />
Dažās valstīs uz Koka-Kolas pudelēm
ATVERIET AR OTRU ROKU
Uz fēna, kurš ražots firmā Sears
NELIETOT MIEGĀ
Uz ziepēm
INSTRUKCIJA - LIETOJIET KĀ PARASTAS ZIEPES
Uz deserta Tiramisu iepakojuma, veikalā BILLA
(uzraksts uz iepakojuma dibena)
NEAPGRIEZT AR DIBENU UZ AUGŠU
Uz pudiņa Marks & Spencer
PĒC UZSILDĪŠANAS PRODUKTS IR KARSTS
Uz ķīniešu dekoratīvajām virtenēm
IZMANTOŠANAI TIKAI TELPĀS VAI ĀRPUS TĀM
Uz firmas Saintbury`s ražota, arahisa iepakojuma
UZMANĪBU - PRODUKTS SATUR RIEKSTUS
Uz American Airlines riekstiņu iepakojuma
INSTRUKCIJA - ATVERIET IEPAKOJUMU, APĒDIET RIEKSTUS
Uz Zviedrijā ražota elektriskā motorzāģa
NEMĒĢINIET APTURĒT MOTORZĀĢI AR ROKĀM VAI GENITĀLIJĀM
(interesanti, pamatojoties uz kādu telefona zvanu, firma bija spiesta
iekļaut šādu teikumu lietošanas pamācībā?)
Uz bērnu Supermena kostīma
PAT AR ŠITO KOSTĪMU TU NEVARĒSI LIDOT
Viesnīcā uz peldcepurītes
TIKAI VIENAI GALVAI
Uz firmas Rowenta gludekļa iepakojuma
NEGLUDINIET DRĒBES UZ ĶERMEŅA
Uz bērniem domāta sīrupa pret klepu
PĒC LIETOŠANAS NEVADĪT AUTOMAŠĪNU UN DARBAGALDUS
Uz firmas Nytol miegazāļu iepakojuma
BRĪDINĀJUMS - VARIET SAJUST MIEGAINĪBU!
Joki un Anekdotes I
24. Septembris 2008, 19:26
Бухой водила ночью в дороге слушает радио
- В городе чп, какой-то Мудак на грузовике едет по встресной полосе центрального шоссе
берёт мобильник и звонит на радио - да этот мудак тут не один, их до хрена и больше
- В городе чп, какой-то Мудак на грузовике едет по встресной полосе центрального шоссе
берёт мобильник и звонит на радио - да этот мудак тут не один, их до хрена и больше
Joki un Anekdotes I
25. Septembris 2008, 20:24
To the citizens of the United States of America
From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour," "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up "vocabulary").
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u"` and the elimination of "-ize."
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you`re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can`t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you`re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat`s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one`s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It`s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty`s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour," "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up "vocabulary").
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u"` and the elimination of "-ize."
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you`re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can`t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you`re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat`s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one`s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It`s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty`s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!